Worship Page 14

  “It doesn’t change how much she loved you. It doesn’t. She could’ve ended her pregnancy, but she wanted you. If she hadn’t gotten sick—”

  “Yeah. Well he thinks he’s my father and he’s forbidding me to see Julia. I just ripped her family apart.”

  “I don’t understand how any of this happened.”

  “Do you remember the reunion in Teaneck? The summer before I started partying and stuff?”

  “Of course.”

  “I met Julia that day. The Caputo’s were there.”

  “I know. I avoided them. Your uncle made me go.”

  “Yeah, well, I saw her and I fell hard. I asked her to go for a walk with me and I kissed her that day.”

  “Oh.”

  “Her dad caught us and lost his mind. He was so angry. He grabbed her and just pulled her away from me.”

  “That’s why you were so sad the rest of the day.”

  “Yeah. It just felt like another loss. That’s when alcohol and drugs started to feel good. They took away the pain.”

  “Oh, Diego.”

  “When I ended up in Rome in seminary, I looked her up. It took a long time, but I found her. She was studying art history at a private university in New York. So I asked the board to send her an invite to come work on our restoration. She came.”

  “Wow.”

  “She remembered me as soon as we made eye contact. I spoke to her and that was it. I couldn’t stay away. I told her we could only be friends because I’m a priest, but the more time we spent together, the more I realized I was still in love with her. Ten years did nothing.”

  “Okay.”

  “Before I knew what was happening, we were intimate. I thought I would feel guilty, but I don’t. I feel…renewed.”

  “Renewed?”

  “I felt found. I was lost for so many years, and I thought I found home in the church, but when Julia wrapped her arms around me, that’s when it’s all clicked. I knew without a doubt, that I had to be with her. I can’t be happy without her.” I let the tears in my eyes fall. “And then her father barges in here and tells me I’m her brother. I’m devastated.”

  “Okay, Diego, let’s step back for a minute. We don’t know for sure that Joseph is your father. If you’re determined to be with Julia, you need to find out for sure.”

  “He’s disgusted with me. He looks at me like I’m trash. He would never accept me even if it turns out he’s not my father.”

  “Listen to me. You just told me you’re willing to leave the priesthood for Julia, right? You want to be with her forever?”

  “Yes.”

  “So does it matter what Joseph thinks? If the two of you are in love as much as you say you are, then the outside world doesn’t matter.”

  I wipe my face. “You’re right. I believe that.”

  “But you have to confront the issue. You have to find out for sure, and if you are related, you have to make tough decisions.”

  “Yeah.”

  “For my part, I’m sorry. I was only trying to protect you. I know I wasn’t a great mother substitute. I did the best I could.”

  “You did good, Aunty. I just couldn’t accept anything. I felt abandoned.”

  “I know, but I’m here for you.”

  “Thank you. I’ll let you know what happens.”

  “Yes, please do.”

  I hang up and wipe my face. I have to talk to Joseph. I stand and walk out to find Julia sitting on the couch with Erika’s arms around her trying to console her. They both look up at me.

  “Do you want me to leave you alone?” Erika asks.

  “No. It’s fine.” I sit across from Julia. “I spoke with my aunt.” Julia nods and it’s breaking my heart to see her mascara stained cheeks. “She told me there’s a strong chance that your father is not my father.”

  Julia’s mouth falls open. “How does she know that?”

  “Because my mother slept around. She didn’t know who the father was, and she picked your father because he had money, and she hoped he would help support us.”

  “Oh.” She blinks rapidly. “Oh god.”

  “Yeah. Your father told the truth. He tried to do the right thing years later, but my aunt sent him away. She wanted to protect me. I didn’t know any family besides her and my uncle. Plus, she knew what my mom did.”

  Julia reaches out and squeezes my hand. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry? You’ve been a rag doll in the middle of a disgusting situation you had nothing to do with. You weren’t even born when it happened.”

  “I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

  I shake my head. “You are amazing. I just tore your family apart and you’re worried about me.”

  “You didn’t, Diego. My family was broken long before today. Obviously. Look what kind of man my father is.”

  “That was more than twenty-five years ago. He was a young man, scared, with a lot to lose.”

  She pulls her head back. “You’re defending him?”

  “No. I’m helping you see things in a different light. Maybe he didn’t do things the best way, especially today, but I imagine he doesn’t know another way.”

  “That’s the priest in you, looking for the good in people even when it doesn’t exist. He’s everything I hate. Hypocrites who sit talking about values and meanwhile he’s a cheater and he wanted your mom to have an abortion and he rejected you. He makes me sick.”

  “Your emotions are raw and now is not the time for healing. I just hope I don’t make you sick.”

  “Diego, I love you. No matter what, I love you.” Erika rubs her back. “What do we do now?”

  “I need to talk to your father.”

  She frowns. “Why?”

  “It’s time we solve this mystery once and for all. If we’re related, we need to know that and deal with it. If we’re not, we need to know that too.” I squeeze her hand. “I’m going to ask him to do a paternity test. He should want to so we all know.”

  “I’ll call my mother. I’m not speaking to him.”

  “Thank you.”

  Erika grabs her phone and hands it to Julia. I watch as she takes a deep breath and dials.

  “Hi mom.” Julia’s eyes shift to me. “I don’t want to talk to dad, but I need you to help us.” She’s silent for a moment. “We want to do a paternity test. We need to know.” Her eyes well up again. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Her voice breaks, tearing me apart. “If he agrees, we’ll find a place to do it here. If he won’t do it, he can forget I exist.”

  Erika and I flank her for support. She nods, sniffling and wiping her tears away. “Thank you, mom. We’ll be in touch.” She hangs up and looks at me. “He’ll do it. He always wanted to.”

  “I know who to call for help.”

  ∞∞∞

  Hours later, I gaze outside as the sun starts to peek through the clouds, while Julia lies asleep in my arms. I couldn’t sleep at all knowing that very soon, my entire world could come crashing down again. I’m thankful Cristof is available today. He’s the only one I can trust to help me with this mess. Julia stirs and gazes up at me. She smiles sweetly.

  “Morning, Father.”

  “Diego.”

  She laughs softly. “Right. Did you sleep?”

  “No, but I’m happy you did.”

  “Not great.” She sits up slightly. “I had the dream, but it was different.”

  “What happened?”

  “I could feel his pain and I was trapped. I kept calling out but he couldn’t hear me. I was in water, slipping underneath. He was looking for me. I know it, but he couldn’t find me.”

  “That’s not what’s happening in real life. I’m here. You’re here. No one is lost. No one is drowning.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t know what I’ll do if—”

  I cut her off with a soft kiss. “I can’t let you say it. I won’t believe it. I can’t lose you again. I wouldn’t be able to go on, so I just won’t entertain any other possibilit
y.”

  “I want you in my life. No matter what. Okay? You can’t leave.”

  “I won’t leave you.” I smile. “Just for a few hours. I’m going to seek counsel. He can help. Discreet help. He’ll know where to go for the test.”

  She nods. “Oh okay. Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No, I need to do this by myself. I’m going to tell him my plans to leave the church. I need advice on how to do it.” I stroke her hair. “It’s going to be okay, Julia. Everything will work out as it should.”

  “Do you believe that or is that what you tell the faithful? Do you tell them to say their Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers, and hold their rosaries, and believe that God is on their side when something like this can happen? Is that how this works? We just believe because we should?”

  I grip her shoulders. “No, Julia, we don’t believe because we should. We believe because we want to, but I promise you, I won’t recover if you’re ripped away from me. Again. My heart and my faith will be irretrievably broken.” I kiss her forehead. “I believe it will work out because I need to believe that.”

  She nods. “I’m sorry I’m so cynical. I wish I had your faith.”

  “Maybe you will someday. I’m going to go. I’ll call as soon as I get back.”

  “I’ll be here.”

  ∞∞∞

  I stand inside the sanctuary waiting for Cristof feeling numb. I stare up at the crucifix, feeling detached from my faith for the first time in years. I twist around when I hear his footsteps. His brow creases as soon as he sees me.

  “Diego. What’s wrong?”

  My mouth opens but words don’t come. Cristof leads me to a pew where we sit together. I lean forward, hiding my face in my hands.

  “You can tell me anything, Diego.”

  I nod. “I know. That’s why I’m here.” I sit up. “I need a confession.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “I broke my vow of celibacy.”

  Cristof nods. “Go on.”

  “Many times. I could not avoid it. I didn’t want to.”

  “How do you feel? You seem distraught.”

  “I’m in love with her. I have made my choice. I choose her.” I expect judgement and shock, but instead I see compassion in his eyes. “You’re not surprised?”

  Cristof shakes his head. “No, son, I’m not. I’ve seen a lot of things in my life. I knew when you were here before this is where you end up. I saw it in your eyes even then. It is noble you tried to follow your vocation, but you are not the first to return to a secular life for love. You won’t be the last.”

  “I don’t know how to do it.”

  “Go to your Bishop and tell him you resign. Be steadfast and clear in your decision. Once you make it, that is it.”

  “I won’t change my mind.”

  “I know. Why do you look so upset if you have come to a decision?”

  “I received terrible news yesterday. The woman I love just might be my half-sister.”

  Cristof’s eyes open wide. “Come again?”

  “Half-sister.”

  “Blood relative?”

  “Shared father. Turns out my mother had an affair with him.”

  “I see.”

  “Hence why he was so angry ten years ago when he found us together. He knew who I was even though I knew nothing.”

  “How did you find out?”

  “Her parents made a surprise visit and seeing the nature of our relationship, had no choice but to tell us.” Cristof squeezes my hand. “I learned that my mother wasn’t sure who fathered me. There was more than one choice. She chose Julia’s father for financial reasons.”

  Cristof nods. “Well, this is shocking.”

  “I’ve had sex with her.”

  “You didn’t know.” He pats my shoulder. “You didn’t know.”

  “If she’s my sister…” I rub my face again. “I won’t survive losing her.”

  “Is her father open to a paternity test?”

  “Yes, I believe so.”

  “I can help, Diego. We have resources. Discreet ones. You can find out quickly. The sooner you know, the better I think.”

  “I agree.” I look up at the man who’s been somewhat of a father to me. “She’s destroyed. I’ve offered so much guidance and help to people over the years, but I can’t find a single word to help her.”

  “I can only imagine what this must feel like for both of you, but this is the time to hold on to your faith and believe that you will be guided in the right direction.”

  I nod. “I just have to believe that she came back to me for a reason. I have to believe it.”

  “I think it’s a good belief. We know that things happen and it can be so confusing, but there exists a force bigger than both of us.” I nod. “How is your faith? Did choosing her turn you away from God?”

  “No. If there was a way to have both, I would. I love what I do, but I love her more. I need her more.”

  “I wish you well, Diego. I am proud of the man you’ve become.”

  “Thank you. You’re the closest thing I ever had to a father. You cared when no one else did, and you saved me.”

  He smiles. “I was guided to you that day and only pointed you in the right direction. You did everything else. I am happy to have been part of your story.”

  I hug him before standing up. “Can I get the information for the testing?”

  “Tell them Father Cristof sent you. They’ll rush it.”

  “Why?”

  “Let’s just say there are more than a few of our brothers who have found themselves in need of a paternity test.”

  “I see.”

  “If all turns out well, will you marry your Julia?”

  “As soon as possible.” I look down briefly. “I have sinned against the church, against its teaching. I acted impulsively for love. I will do my best to make it right.”

  Cristof nods. “You know you are forgiven already.”

  “Yes. Thank you again for today and always.”

  “You’re welcome. Please keep me updated.”

  “Absolutely.”

  Chapter Eight

  Julia

  I jump up at the knock at the door and swing it open, throwing my arms around Diego’s neck when I see him. He smiles. “Hi, Angel.”

  “I’m so glad you’re back. What did you find out?”

  “There’s a place we can go just for priests who might have this same concern.”

  “Interesting.”

  “Yes, the results will be received quickly. We can go tomorrow morning.”

  “Okay. I’ll tell my mom.”

  “I understand if you don’t want to be there.”

  “Of course I’ll be there. To support you, not him. He can go to hell as far I care. If I believed in hell, which for the record I don’t.”

  Diego taps his finger on my nose. “You’re cute when you’re pissed.”

  “Don’t get all sexy on me right now. There’s no time for that.”

  “Yeah, about that.” He wraps his arms around my waist. “I wasn’t sure if one last go before we know for sure would be good or completely indecent.”

  “Completely indecent, and that’s coming from a girl who fucked you during confession.”

  Diego laughs. “I probably shouldn’t be turned on by you anymore.”

  “Maybe it’s a good sign that you are. Maybe our genes know that biologically we’re not related.”

  “Maybe that’s it. How are you doing?”

  “Not good. I keep bursting into tears. Poor Erika is finally sleeping after dealing with me for hours.”

  “She’s a good friend.”

  “The best. I need to call Katie, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to break her heart too.”

  “Yeah, but she needs to know.”

  “I’ll do it later. I can’t right now. How did it go with Cristof?”

  “Good. He said he knew I would choose you. He saw it in me when I talked to him the
first time.”

  “Was he judgy?”

  “No, not at all. He told me to talk to my bishop and resign.”

  “Are you sure you want that? What if we’re—”

  “It doesn’t matter. I can’t go back to that life now. I can’t pretend I wasn’t as lonely as I was. Even if somehow I can’t be with you, it’s time for me to move on.”

  “I’m proud of you, Diego.”

  “I’m proud of you too. You really stood up to your dad.”

  “I’ve had enough. I don’t know if we can repair our relationship. It depends on what he does next with you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Either way, he has to accept you. Either as my lover or as his child. If he can’t do that and apologize for the damage he’s done, I don’t need him. I’m clear on this.”

  “I don’t expect that from him.”

  “I don’t either, and it’s okay. It is. I have plenty of love. I have Katie and Erika and I have you. I’m good.”

  “You definitely have me.”

  I study his face for a moment. “I want to show you something.”

  “Sure.”

  I reach to the end table and pick up my childhood journal. “This was mine when I was fifteen. Before the reunion I wrote about a dream I was having where a boy was running through the dark chasing something.” He nods. “After the reunion, I wrote about a boy named Diego with beautiful blue eyes who gave me my first kiss. I drew sketches of him for weeks, hoping my brain would never forget him.” I open the pages and show him. “Just so you know, Diego.”

  He gazes at the pages, flipping them slowly. “These are amazing. It exactly captures that moment.” He meets my eyes. “You’re very talented.”

  “Thank you.” I turn to the page where I sketched him holding my face between his hands. “I bring them everywhere with me. They comfort me, reminding me of a time when for just a few minutes, everything was perfect.”

  “It feels amazing to see this. To know you’ve carried it around with you for ten years.”

  “I’ve never let you go, Diego. I never will. No matter what happens next, we’ll figure out something. We have to.”

  Diego pulls me into is arms. “We have to.”

  ∞∞∞