Reckless Devotion: Book 2 Read online

  “I know.”

  “So think about that. This is your impasse. You can go in the direction you have always gone, or you can go in hers, but please, do not fool yourself into thinking you can change because you want her. You must change because you want you. The real you.”

  “Thank you, Luc, for always being brutally honest with me.”

  “That is what a brother does. I cannot enable you.”

  “Yeah. That’s why I called you and not François.”

  “I knew you were a smart man.” He chuckles. “I will wait for a progress report. I have hope.”

  “Maybe…” I exhale. “Maybe I can find some of that.”

  After ending my call, I stand and pace around my living room. If I stop and take an inventory of my life, it’s far more empty than it appears from the outside. I should heed his words this time, just like I should have after the incident with Claudette. I shudder as the memory washes over me. I just didn’t take her devotion to me seriously enough, and it destroyed her.

  Picking up my phone, I stare at it for a moment, wanting so badly to hear Mia’s voice. She’ll probably hang up on me or not answer at all. Maybe a text would be better. Maybe space. I don’t fucking know.

  Sinking back into my couch, I know that I can’t just walk away from her. I have to do what Luc said and face the shit in me that doesn’t let me appreciate Mia for who she is. I have to let go of what makes me want to break her. It’s the only way.

  The next morning, after a sleepless night, I get on the computer, filled with clarity. I know what I need to do now. I spend over two hours researching the information I need when I finally land on one that feels right. I pause for a moment, considering the lid I’m about to open. It has to be done.

  Since it’s Sunday there’s probably no way I’ll get an answer, but I try anyway and dial the number.

  “Hello?” the male voice answers.

  “I’m calling for Dr. Nashito.”

  “This is him.”

  “Oh, hi. Um, I found your website and was hoping I could make an appointment to meet with you.”

  “Is this an emergency?”

  “No, not at all, but I’d like to get started as soon as possible. I thought I would maybe get your voicemail today.”

  “I always answer my phone. Can you briefly describe why you want to meet with me?”

  “Yeah. I have trouble, uh, well, trouble respecting boundaries in a relationship. I want to work on it, and I don’t think I can do it by myself.”

  “You’re abusive?”

  “No. I mean I guess it depends on how you define that.”

  Dr. Nashito sighs. “Do you hit women?”

  “Only during sex.”

  “Ah. I see.”

  “Your website said you have experience dealing with people like me.”

  “I do. What’s causing you to seek help?”

  “I lost someone special, and I don’t want to be like this anymore.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I need to find balance. I want to learn to express myself without going overboard. I always go overboard.”

  “Do you expect to be a completely different person after meeting with me?”

  I consider his question for a moment. “No. I don’t want to be completely different. I just want more control over my dark side, and I want to learn…” A smile comes to my face. “I want to learn how to be with a strong woman.”

  “The special someone you lost?”

  “Yes. I always chose weak women because they’ll do what I want, but I don’t respect them, and I don’t keep them around for long. I met someone who’s strong and willful, and I want that in my life, but I don’t how to manage it.”

  “I see. What is your name?”

  “Gabriel di Capo.”

  “Well, Mr. di Capo, if you’re ready for some difficult work, then I’m ready to help. Can you come tomorrow? I have an early seven AM appointment I keep for just these situations.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  After confirming the appointment, I hang up and lean back on the couch. I’m ready to do what I have to do to get her back.

  A few hours pass and I can’t get her off my mind. Taking a chance, I text her.

  I haven’t stopped thinking about you.

  Now I wait, hoping she hasn’t stopped thinking about me either.

  LYING IN BED, I grab my phone and read Gabriel’s text. I don’t know if I should respond. I want to. I want to hear his voice, but if I do, I’ll cave. I’m not strong enough yet. It buzzes again.

  I’m not giving up on us yet.

  I should tell him to leave me alone, to go find some submissive chick, but I can’t.

  I’ll be the man you need. I promise. Just don’t give up. I can do it.

  What is he talking about? I decide to answer.

  Do what?

  Fix what’s wrong with me.

  After reading his reply, I shake my head.

  There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m just not the right woman.

  You are. I know it. Can I call you? Please? I need to hear your voice.

  I can’t let you do that. You’ll force your way back in.

  I won’t. I promise. I just want to tell you something. I’ll be worthy of your trust. Please, Mia.

  I should say no, but he’s being nice about it. Normally he would just call, or show up and make me talk to him, but he’s giving me room to decide. Plus, I crave the sound of his voice so desperately, I can’t say no.

  Okay.

  The phone seems to ring a second after I send the reply.

  “Hello?”

  “Mia.” His voice makes my stomach flip. “Thank you.”

  “What do you want to tell me?”

  “I miss you.”

  Keep your guard high. “Don’t try to talk me into coming back because I won’t. No matter what you say.”

  “I’m not going to. It’s only been a day, but I just wanted you to know that I miss you.”

  Closing my eyes, I admit, “I miss you too, Gabriel.”

  “Thank you for telling me.”

  “But I have to go now.”

  “Wait! Please.”

  “What?”

  “I’ve had some time to think about where I went wrong with you, and I think I get it now.”

  “Gabriel—”

  “Can I finish please?”

  “Okay.”

  He exhales slowly. “I have a lot of things to tell you, but I don’t want to do it over the phone. I know you won’t see me yet, so I just want to ask you if you can try to stay open to me, and let me prove to you that I get it, and that I want things to be different, and I want to see you again.”

  “You’ve known me for two weeks. You shouldn’t try to change yourself for me. We’ll both get over it and move on.”

  “What if we don’t?”

  I rub my forehead unable to answer. “I don’t know.”

  “If you can tell me right now that you never want to see me or hear from me again then I’ll accept that. It’ll suck, but I’ll respect your wishes. Before you answer though, think about two weeks ago when we first saw each other and the feeling that gave you. Think about how it was with us before I went too far. Think about what we might be if I can get my shit together. Then answer.”

  I already know the answer. “You need to think about what life would be like with me just as I am right at this moment. Just as I was the day you met me. Then what do you say?”

  “I already know, Mia. I’m the one on the phone begging for another chance.”

  “I let you call, didn’t I?”

  “You did. So are you saying there’s a chance?”

  “I’m nervous, but I wouldn’t be talking to you right now if I didn’t still feel something.”

  “I’m working on it, Mia. I started the minute you walked away from me. It’s deeper than what I’ve shared so far, and someday I’ll tell you everything. Someday when you’re back in my arms because I want t
hat to happen more than I want the sun to rise tomorrow.”

  “I want it too, Gabriel. I want to be with you, but I can’t… you know.”

  “Yeah, I know, and I don’t even want you to.”

  “Oh, come on. Don’t bullshit me. You can’t just turn it off.”

  “No, I can’t, and that’s what I want to work on before we’re together again. I want you to feel the respect I have for you, and I’m gonna learn how to show it. You have my word.”

  “I hope you mean it because…” I take a deep breath. “I’m going to trust you not to exploit what I’m about to say.”

  “You can.”

  “I’m still invested, Gabriel. I still want to be in your life, but I want to be on equal ground. You excite me more than any man I’ve ever met, and I’m not ready to just be done with that, but… you said trust was important and then you broke it.”

  “I know. I asked yesterday for a little time, but I didn’t know why, and now I do. Can you wait for me?”

  Closing my eyes as I listen to his pleading tone, I examine my internal thoughts. I want him so badly right now, here, holding me and gazing at me with those eyes. I want the sweet parts of Gabriel, and on some level, I even want the hard parts of him, but I don’t know if there’s a balance we can find where we can both be happy.

  “Please, Mia? I’ll be worth it.”

  I can’t say no. “Okay, Gabriel. I’ll try.”

  He exhales. “Thank you so much. Can I still call you or text you? Not every day, but just to check in?”

  “Sure. I’d like that. What should I tell Sara?”

  “The truth. I fucked up, and you told me what I need to do if I want to be in your life, and I’m working on it.”

  I smile. “No way. She’ll be all over that wanting details.”

  He laughs softly. “True. I don’t know what to tell her.”

  “Why don’t I tell her a version of the truth? It was too much too soon and we’re just taking a step back to make sure we’re both coming at it from the right perspective.”

  “I like that.”

  “Okay then. Have a good week, and um, thanks for calling. It was good to hear your voice.”

  “It was amazing to hear yours. You know it’s my favorite sound.”

  “Bye, Gabriel.”

  “Bye, Mia.”

  I hang up and lean back in bed again. I’m putting all my faith in his words, and now I just have to hope I’m making the right choice.

  STANDING OUTSIDE THE office door, I read the sign. Nashito and Associates. Sounds like a law firm instead of a place fucked up people like me go for help. I open it and step inside the lobby where I’m the only person. A moment later I hear steps coming down the hall and a tall, older man enters the space. His hair is blacker than any I’ve ever seen, and I can only hope my hair still looks that good when I’m his age.

  “Gabriel?”

  “Yes. Dr. Nashito?”

  “That’s me. Come on in.”

  “Thank you.” I follow him down a long hallway and into an office that feels more like a comfortable living room. There’s a couch on one end with a sitting chair in front of it, separated by a coffee table. The walls are lined with bookcases that are crammed full, and I wonder if he’s read them all.

  “Please have a seat,” he says, gesturing toward the couch.

  I sit down then cross my legs, extremely uncomfortable with what’s about to take place. Dr. Nashito picks up a legal notepad and pen then smiles.

  “Where would you like to begin, Gabriel? We spoke a little yesterday about boundaries. Is that a good place?”

  I nod. “Sure. We can start there.” I sit silent for a moment, unsure of how to actually begin. “How far should I go back?”

  “To the beginning.”

  “Right. Okay, well I guess the first time I realized that maybe I was different was in middle school. I was hanging out with friends, and we got ahold of my buddy’s dad’s porn stash. We watched a few of them, and it was all just normal stuff, until we got to one about dominance and submission. My friends thought it was weird, and the guy whose dad it belonged to even got kind of upset that he thought his dad was treating his mom like that.”

  “But you?”

  “I was turned on at a level I couldn’t even comprehend. I wanted to experience it. The next girl I was with, I asked her if I could pull her hair and she said yes. Then the next girl I asked if I could smack her bottom and she said yes, and then I stopped asking and just started doing.”

  “How did that go for you?”

  “Varying results. Some liked it, others didn’t, but when I found the ones that liked it, I typically went too far.”

  “Too far? Explain.”

  “I find it exciting to go beyond limits. Most women have been smacked on the ass during sex, but I would pull out a paddle or some other device and see how much she could take before she begged me to stop or used her safe word.” I take a deep breath. “I, uh…” Closing my eyes, I shake my head, not wanting to actually say this out loud.

  “You can tell me anything, Gabriel.”

  His voice is so fatherly and warm, I open my eyes, and nod. “I pursue the safe word. I want her to get to that point where she can’t stand it anymore.”

  “I see. I’m sensing some shame coming from you right now. Does this aspect of you concern you?”

  I nod. “It always has. I’ve always wondered where the ceiling is. When is enough, enough? I should tell you about a specific situation that happened.”

  “Of course.”

  “A few times, I’ve found women who never utter the safe word no matter what I do. They’re so deeply ingrained in their submissive protocol they would never deny me.”

  “Okay.”

  “One in particular…” I pause as the memory hits me like falling bricks. “I pushed her too far.”

  “What was her name?”

  “Claudette. I met her while I was living in France and fully immersed in the lifestyle.”

  “How did you push her too far?”

  “She wanted to be my sole pet, so she would go above and beyond to prove her stamina. I would test her by humiliating her. I would fuck— I’m sorry, I would—”

  “Language is not a problem. Just be you.”

  I nod. “I would fuck other women and make her watch insulting her the entire time. I would make her do demeaning things, and she would do them. I made her have sex with other men in front of me and then called her a slut. I would make her do anything my perverted brain could conjure, and she always did it.”

  “Did this excite you sexually?”

  I shake my head. “No. I think I was just high on power. She came to me a virgin, and I took that from her, and then… I ruined her.” I exhale deeply. “People in my circle warned me that she was showing dangerous signs, obsessive behavior, and that I was hurting her.” I wring my hands. “But I didn’t stop right away. I couldn’t stop.”

  Dr. Nashito scribbles something on his pad. “Keep going.”

  “When I finally realized that I wasn’t enjoying our interactions anymore, and that her attachment to me was unhealthy, I dismissed her. It didn’t go well. She didn’t want to be dismissed. She… I can’t.”

  “This is a safe place. Did you harm her?”

  “No.” I shake my head rapidly. “No. She begged and pleaded and would show up in weird places at weird times. She came to my job a few times. I was cruel verbally. I said she was…” I peer up at the ceiling as disgust washes over me. “I can’t believe I was like this.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I said she was used and no one would want her. I didn’t really think that, I just wanted her to go. I thought if I was dick, that would work. I wanted her to hate me, get over me, and just leave me alone.”

  “Did she?”

  “No. She went home, and…”

  “And?”

  I stare at the floor. “And swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.”

  “She
committed suicide?”

  “She tried to. Fortunately, her roommate came home in time to help, but she was barely alive at that point. They said ten more minutes, and…” I shut my eyes remembering the call from Luc. “I wouldn’t go to the hospital. I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t see her and know that my actions pushed her to that.”

  “What happened next?”

  “To her, I don’t know, but for me I tried to quit the lifestyle. I tried to suppress those urges.”

  “With or without therapy?”

  “This is the first time I’ve talked to a professional about it.”

  He nods. “How did that go?”

  “Not good. I was in deep and doing drugs at night. Drinking a lot. I thought I could make it go away, but it’s such a power trip.” I run my fingers through my hair before continuing. “I avoided the scene for a few weeks until I met another woman that brought it out again. She was so submissive I could sense it even when she said hello. I just blocked out what happened with Claudette and moved on. Everything was fine. The women were agreeable. Nothing ever got too out of hand, so I decided it was just a freak circumstance with Claudette. And I buried it.”

  “But now?”

  “Yeah, so I came back to the States a little over a month ago, and I met a woman that isn’t submissive at all. We went out, and I really like her. I introduced her to my ways, explained how I like stuff, and she agreed to try it. She was demonstrating a lot of those qualities I like. So I thought, maybe underneath it all… fuck.”

  “You thought she was a closet submissive? You thought for you, she could be?”

  “Yeah.”

  He nods. “So what happened that brought you here?”

  “On Friday we met up, and it was like…” I shake my head. “It was like the earth shifted and every part of me was… I don’t know how to describe it.”

  “Slow down. Think it out. Then try.”

  I nod, exhaling slowly. “I always feel agitated, unsettled inside. I always want something to take the edge off, alcohol, cigarettes, something, but when I’m with her or talking to her, it’s all silent. I feel so good it’s like… for lack of a better example, it’s how I used to feel taking drugs. That feeling of warmth that just spreads through you, making you feel amazing, invincible. I used to take X all the time because it made me feel… normal. She makes me feel like that.” I glance up. “On Friday, we made love, and it was mind blowing. Completely mind blowing. With her, I don’t need those other substances. I even tried to follow my after sex routine of cigarettes and alcohol, but two seconds into it, I just wanted to get on her again. She was everything I ever wanted and a lot of things I didn’t know I wanted. It went to my head, and I just wanted to do so much.”