Worship Read online

  He smiles. “Hold that thought. Here’s the place. If you’re okay with it, I thought we could get a few things and eat in the park picnic style.”

  “I like it. You, Julia?”

  “I think that sounds nice.”

  “Great.”

  We walk inside the small deli-like shop. It’s busy, but we shuffle to the front counter and pick our meat, bread, cheese, some olives and finally wine. Erika throws in a few pieces of chocolate. We offer to pay, but Diego won’t have it. After paying for our things, we walk across the piazza to the green space where it seems everyone in town is gathered. Young couples lounge in the sun, bodies tangled as they hold hands or kiss. Older couples sit on blankets getting a bit of sun and sipping wine. A few people read alone or listen to music.

  We find a spot near a tree and sit down in the cool grass. I glance up at the tree, it’s branches hanging low enough to almost touch from where I sit.

  “Are you remembering that day?”

  My eyes meet Diego’s. “How could I not? A big old tree next to a church.”

  Erika smiles, popping an olive in her mouth. “It sounds so magical.”

  Diego nods. “It was.” We both watch him as he uncorks the wine. “I was at the most boring event of my young life, walking around hoping to find someone my age to hang out with. I went to the yard to get some lemonade and sitting on a bench, was Julia. Her eyes were closed and her head leaned back allowing her chestnut hair to cascade down the bench. She looked like a mirage, a dream. I immediately went to her and couldn’t wait to get her alone.”

  Erika nudges my arm, grinning as he speaks.

  “In the few minutes we spoke, I felt like she actually cared about me. She let me kiss her and my whole world shifted. In my head I was thinking she’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen and she likes me. I was planning crazy things. Maybe we could run away and elope and travel the world holding hands and kissing under trees.”

  My mouth drops open. I can’t believe he’s so romantic.

  “I thought about jobs I could get to take care of us. I thought about the future we might have.” He gazes up at me. “And then she was gone. Ripped away like a dream.”

  “Diego…”

  He grins as he passes me a plastic cup of wine. “But now she’s back. I’m so happy.”

  “Except that you’re a priest.” Erika covers her mouth. “Sorry.”

  I just shake my head. “No filter on this girl.”

  Diego laughs. “It’s a fair statement.”

  “You were going to tell us what your life is like.”

  I shoot Erika a look. “Only if you want to, Diego.”

  “It’s quiet.” He eats an olive. “I spend a lot of time alone in my thoughts. I have to prepare each week for mass, so there is reading and studying I must do. I try to find a way to make the message relevant to today’s challenges. The rest of the time I—” He sips his wine.

  I touch his arm. “What?”

  He shakes his head. “I do community work. I counsel people. I tend to the church. I keep busy.”

  Erika tears off a piece of bread. “Do you like it?”

  “It’s very fulfilling work. People have come to me broken. At the end of their limit. They have wanted to end their lives or been faced with a cheating spouse or a troubled home life and after spending time with me, they’ve been renewed. They’ve felt like they could go on. And I see them again weeks later sitting in the pew, and I know that I somehow made a difference for that person. I helped. That’s a very good feeling.”

  She nods her head. “Yeah, I get that. But—” She stops abruptly. “Nothing.”

  “You can ask me anything, Erika. I’m an open book.”

  “I guess I don’t get the whole celibacy thing. You’re so young and don’t you want that?”

  “That?”

  “A woman. Love. Sex. Don’t you?”

  Her eyes shift to mine, but mine shift to him. I want to know the answer too.

  “I am a man. A mortal one with all the same feelings and desires of any man. I have learned to turn that part of myself off. I compartmentalize it. It gets easier in time. I don’t even think about it much, but…” He faces me. “But seeing Julia again reminds me that I am indeed a man.”

  I swallow hard, unsure of how to react to this. I quickly shove a piece of cheese in my mouth just to have an activity.

  “Is this awkward for you?” he asks.

  “No. It’s just…the things you’re saying are hard to process. You can feel however you want, but you can’t act on it so why say it?”

  Diego sips his wine, averting his eyes. The three of us sit quietly eating for a few minutes. Erika and I exchange glances a few times, but I have no idea what to say. Finally, Erika stands up.

  “If you two don’t mind, I want to run back to our apartment and freshen up. I’ll catch up with you at the church, Julia?”

  “Sure. Okay. See you later.”

  “Thanks so much for lunch, Father.”

  “Anytime.”

  Erika hurries away and I’m left with Diego.

  “Julia?”

  I gaze up to meet his eyes. “Yes?”

  “I meant the things I said. How I felt then. How I feel now.”

  “I know.”

  “Last night I asked if we could be friends.”

  “I remember.”

  “Friends spend time together, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Will you have dinner with me again?”

  “Yes. I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you. I want us to be close.”

  “So do I. I’ll be honest. It’s probably not the best decision. You do remind me of my desire. Your voice is…” He smiles. “So sweet. So comforting. The way you say my name makes me feel whole.”

  “Whole?”

  “We’ll talk more tonight. I can show you where I live.”

  “I’m coming to your place?”

  “If that’s okay. I’d rather not be too visible even though we have nothing to be ashamed of or hide.”

  “Right. Okay, that’s fine.”

  Diego reaches for my hand and squeezes it. “I can’t tell you what it means to me that you’re here.”

  “You’re very sweet, Diego. You make me feel special.”

  “You should. To me, you are.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Come to the church at seven. I’ll meet you there.”

  “Okay.”

  “I should get back.”

  “I think I’ll just sit here a little longer and enjoy the weather.”

  “Good idea. See you in a bit.”

  “Bye.”

  I watch him walk away then pull my phone out of my bag to call Katie. It rings a few times until her voice comes through.

  “Julia!”

  “Hi, sis! How are you?”

  “Great. It’s so good to hear your voice. How are you?”

  “Good. Really good. Just started working, and so far it’s everything I hoped it would be.”

  “Aw, that’s awesome.”

  “Yeah.” I exhale. “So, listen to this.”

  “What?”

  “Remember the family reunion ten years ago and the boy I was kissing?”

  “Remember? You talked about Diego so much how could I forget?”

  I laugh softly. “Yeah, well he’s here.”

  “Who?”

  “Diego.” She’s silent for a moment. “Katie?”

  “Diego is there? The boy you kissed ten years ago?”

  “That’s the one. He’s here.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Nope.”

  “Well, damn. Did you talk to him?”

  “Oh yeah. Had dinner with him last night and lunch today. Meeting him again for dinner tonight.”

  “Oh my god. So it’s a love match?”

  “Not exactly. There’s a little complication.”

  “Oh shit. He has a girl or something?”

 
“Worse. He’s a priest.”

  “What?”

  “A priest. He’s a fucking priest, Katie.” She bursts into laughter, causing me to shake my head. “Oh sure. Laugh at my expense.”

  “I’m sorry.” She’s still laughing. “I mean, of all the things to be. A priest.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So why is he dating you? Isn’t that against the rules?”

  “We’re not dating. We’re just spending time together.”

  “Interesting.”

  “But he told me it was love at first sight for him ten years ago and he never forgot me. He said the connection is just as strong and that he thinks I’m beautiful.”

  “What the actual fuck?”

  “I know. But then he says oh by the way I’m priest so we can only be friends.”

  “Friends who hang out?”

  “Right.”

  “How do you feel about all of this?”

  “I don’t know. Katie, you should see him. He’s unbelievable. He’s just…he’s perfect.”

  “He’s not perfect. He’s a priest.”

  “Yeah. There’s that.”

  “That is kind of a big deal.”

  “I know.”

  “You still like him, don’t you?”

  “Oh yeah. It’s like being fifteen again, except now I know what to do about it.”

  “And you can’t do anything. That sucks.”

  “Big time. Guess what else?”

  “What could top this?”

  “The dream came back.”

  “The dream? The guy running?”

  “Yeah. I saw Diego and the dream came back. How fucking weird is that?”

  “That’s insane. What is it about him?”

  “I wish I knew.” I lie back in the grass and stare up at the cloudless blue sky. “I don’t know what to do. Do I just hang out with him and try to act like he’s not driving me crazy with lust? Or do I like, tell him we shouldn’t?”

  “What do you want to do?”

  “Hang out. Kiss him. Hold hands. All that shit.”

  “Shit.” She exhales loudly. “Well, maybe this is just one of those situations where you follow your heart and see where it leads you. Hopefully Diego follows his. You might just meet in the middle.”

  “He’s a priest, Katie.”

  “I know, Julia. That’s all I got.”

  I run my fingers through my hair as I sit up. “I know. Thanks for listening. I better get back to work.”

  “Okay. Keep me posted.”

  “I will. Talk to you soon. Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  I hang up and pull myself up from the grass. Wandering back to the church, I take in the beauty of my surroundings. Maybe all of this is just some detailed dream, and I’m not really here. I’m sitting in class back in New Jersey daydreaming about things that aren’t real. Diego’s not real. He’s just a dream. Like he has been for the last ten years.

  Inside the church, I kneel down and get back to work, stopping only for a moment when Erika comes in.

  “How did it go when I left?”

  “Fine. We’re having dinner again.”

  “You don’t sound happy?”

  “I’m just confused by it all. You were there.”

  “Yeah. He’s totally still hot for you. He just can’t do anything about it.”

  “So what should I do?”

  Erika shrugs. “Go with it I guess. See what happens.”

  “That’s what Katie said. Follow my heart. I’m just afraid it’s going to get shattered. Again.”

  “You have to decide if it’s worth the risk. Is hanging out with him and learning to be friends enough? Would you rather let the friendship go? You have to decide.”

  I nod, focusing on my fresco section. “Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’ll just see how dinner goes tonight and make a decision from there.”

  “Good call. You got this.”

  “I do.” I smile and return to my work pretty sure that I don’t have this at all.

  ∞∞∞

  Later that evening, I say goodbye to Erika and make my way to the church. My nerves are a mess right now. When I turn the corner, Diego is already standing out front, and a flutter of butterflies fill my tummy. He twists around at the sound of my footsteps and a gorgeous smile spreads across his lips.

  “Julia. You look amazing.”

  “Thanks, Diego.” It’s hard to remember he’s a priest when he wears these t-shirts that show off the muscles in his arms and the jeans that make his butt looks delicious. “Do you ever wear traditional priest garments?”

  “Yes. On Sunday and during confessions. Why?”

  “I just thought priests always wore that stuff. Not normal clothes.”

  He laughs softly. “I thought the same thing before I went to seminary, but it’s really the priest’s choice. I feel more comfortable like this. I like dressing up for mass and other services. It puts my head in a different place when I’m wearing my garments.”

  “That makes sense.”

  Diego searches my eyes for a moment. “Ready?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Come on.” He grabs my hand and leads me around the back of the church to a door. “My apartment is above the church. This is my private entrance.”

  “Is it strange living above a church?”

  “No. It’s comforting.” He grins. “And a very easy commute.”

  We both laugh as he opens the door and steps to the side for me to enter. There’s a staircase directly in front, so I walk up slowly, feeling his presence behind me. At the top is another door.

  “It’s open. You can just go in.”

  I nod, opening the door and stepping inside. It’s a small space, but very tidy and minimal. Except for books everywhere, there’s almost nothing else. I turn and look at Diego who’s watching me. “It smells great in here.”

  “Good. I made dinner. A simple pasta dish.”

  “Your place is nice.” I look around. “Sparse but nice.”

  “I don’t have much, but I don’t need much.”

  “We have that in common.”

  “We have a lot in common.”

  “Do we? How do you know?”

  “Just a feeling.” He smiles. “Would you like some wine?”

  “Sure.”

  “Make yourself comfortable.”

  “Thanks.” I walk over and sit down on the sofa, sinking into the soft cushions. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this. The space is very warm and cozy although it’s hardly furnished. There’s just something nice about it. Maybe because it’s his place.

  Diego returns with two glasses of red wine. “Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.”

  “Great.” I sip my wine glancing at him. He watches me with those sexy blue eyes that make me want to climb him and ride him like a horse.

  “The way you look at me,” he starts. “There’s so much your eyes say.”

  “What do you hear, Diego?”

  “I hear affection, concern, curiosity.”

  “Anything else?”

  “Attraction. Unless I’m mistaken.”

  “No. I guess I’m not hiding it very well.”

  “Am I?”

  My nose crinkles. “If you’re saying you’re attracted to me, then yes, you’re hiding it well.”

  “Hmm.” He sips his wine. “Maybe because I’ve had ten years of practice.”

  “Has there been anyone special in your life?”

  “No. I dated like all guys my age, but I never wanted to stay in one place for too long. After I graduated high school, I just took off and started traveling. I’ve always had this sense that I was searching for something, but I’ve never figured out what.”

  “Even now? You found your calling.”

  He nods slowly. “I did. Sometimes though…” He pauses, shifting his eyes up to me. “Today Erika asked me what my life was like and if I was happy.”

  “Yeah.”

  “What
I said was partially true. Sometimes at night, I lie awake and I question if I made the right decision. I love helping people and serving the church, but I miss things from the secular world.”

  “Like what?”

  “Romance. I miss looking into a woman’s eyes and leaning close and smelling her perfume.” He scoots a little closer to me. “Like right now.”

  “What else do you miss?”

  “Kissing. Touching. Waking up in someone’s arms.”

  “Sex?”

  “Definitely sex. I block it out most of the time. I focus on my duties and my devotion to my vows. I have times of weakness when I must relieve myself.”

  “Relieve? You get yourself off?”

  Diego smiles, nodding. “Sometimes. I don’t believe it’s a sin as it’s been taught. I don’t think we were given sexual pleasure if we weren’t meant to feel it.”

  “I don’t believe in priest celibacy. I don’t understand why you can’t be in a loving committed relationship and marry and have children like everyone else.”

  “Not everyone wants that. Physical desire is very different from what you’re describing.”

  “So you just miss getting laid?”

  “I haven’t really known anything else. My early years were spent doing whatever. Drinking, partying, girls. The only time I felt love was brief and taken away from me before I could do anything about it.”

  I glance at my wine for a moment. “You really think you loved me? Ten minutes under a tree and you fell in love?”

  “No, Julia. I fell in the love the minute you looked at me. You were like an angel who appeared just for me. Maybe that’s why I could never find satisfaction anywhere else. No one ever looked at me that way again. Not until yesterday.”

  I reach out and cup his face without thinking about it. Diego closes his eyes as he exhales slowly. “Look at me.” He opens his eyes slowly. “That day was special to me too. I didn’t know anything about love then, and I still don’t, but I know that I’ve never felt anything so powerful in my life then when you are near.” I lean in and plant a soft kiss on his mouth. “I know this is dangerous. We’re too close and there’s so much desire between us. Do you feel it too?”

  “Of course.”

  “Do you want me to leave, Diego?”

  “No. Why would you ask that?”

  “Because I want you to kiss me. I want it desperately, and I know you can’t or you won’t.”